Sunday, March 10, 2013

An announcement of sorts

For the past seven years I have had the privilege of working at the most wonderful school with an amazing staff and administration. I made many mistakes in my first few years of teaching, but I had people who believed in me and knew that I was learning and growing. It has been a place that made me the teacher I am and as a result, have always been happy to go into work everyday.

But with that happiness also comes some discontent. In order to have such a wonderful, supportive, autonomous work environment, I have spent two hours of my day, five days a week, in the car. I justified the long drive because I was working in an environment that allowed me to flourish as a teacher. I looked forward to walking through the door of my classroom everyday and learning with my students. But lately I've just been overwhelmed by it all. I think the gravitas of realizing how much of my life has been taken up by driving, in addition to all the extra work that's involved with being a teacher, has left me feeling that while I love my school, I can't continue to live like this.

So in January I tearfully met with my principal to tell her I would not be returning next year. It was a hard decision, but one I knew I had to make for my own health and sanity.

So what's next for me? I have no idea. And you know what? In a way, I'm okay with that. Part of me is excited at the prospect of the unknown, of what the future holds for me, but the other half is anxious and disconsolate because I don't know if that future will include being in the classroom.

You see, part of my discontent as of late has been not only how much of my life I've spent in the car driving to and from work everyday, but also how much life I am missing out on from the obligations of this job. It might be a job I love, but you can also resent and be tied down by what you love. That's how I've been feeling lately. And while spending time with my students in the classroom watching them learn and grow gives me great joy, it's really the minutia of this job that gets to me: the extra work that most people, unless they are a teacher or live with a teacher, have no idea about.

And it's the assumption most people have outside of the teaching profession that we only have an 8-3 work day that continues to frustrate and make me give Taylor Mali poetry recitations at dinner parties. Politicians and educational "leaders" who have never taught in a classroom are making decisions based on those assumptions and on behalf of students and teachers across this country. People like Michelle Rhee are pushing to evaluate a teacher's worth largely on test scores, and our secretary of education, Arne Duncan, wants us all to make education a "race" despite the fact that the very nature of a race is to leave people behind. I don't know any teacher who desires her classroom to be a race to anything. Most teachers I know want to guide each child by the hand and meet them where they're at to get them where they need to be. That's not a race Mr. Duncan, that involves patience and diligence and the understanding that all kids are different. I'm not seeing much room for differentiation in the educational policy that's being handed down these days. Any sort of dignity or professional image teachers used to have has been besmirched by politics and popular media who only portray teachers as incompetent and greedy. And while teaching at a private school has largely shielded me from most of this negativity, I can't help but wonder what's out there for me as I set out to begin my job search.

So I'm currently looking for answers. Answers for why, with all the negativity that's out there in politics and in the media, why should I stay in the classroom? Serendipitously, I'm taking a class this semester that is all about how to give teachers a voice in this time of educational "reform" and teacher bashing. The project I have chosen is on teacher retention. Because I want to know, despite all that we've been told we're doing wrong, who's choosing to stay and who's choosing to fight for teachers? Thankfully I have had a nurturing, supportive environment from which to learn these past seven years, and yet I still managed to burn out. If I'm questioning my future despite the fortuitous hand I was dealt, I can absolutely, positively see why teacher satisfaction is at an all-time low and those who haven't been as lucky as me are choosing to leave the profession.

And yet...

Despite all that seems to be going against teachers these days, there are still beacons of light in this surging storm, lightships to help guide the way home.

On Friday I drove to Grand Rapids to attend the Michigan Reading Association conference where I saw and connected with some of my favorite teachers: members of the Nerdy Book Club. It was there, as we talked, listened, and tweeted about all the things we are passionate about that I realized that this community, this tribe, is my ticket to staying in the classroom. You see, it's not just new teachers that need mentoring. Veteran teachers need support and communities to keep them going too. And these people are my bucket fillers. People like Donayln Miller, Brian Wyzlic, Paul Hankins, Katherine Sokolowski, Niki Barnes, Colby Sharp, Jillian Heise, Jessica Crawford, Sarah Andersen, Kristin McIlhagga, Erica Beaton... I could go on and on... These are my people, my tribe. They overflow my bucket with inspiration and hope. Because, when I click on a link to the Nerdy Book Club blog and read posts like this one from Brian Wyzlic, or listen to Paul Hankins read a poem about how books saved him that is so beautiful and so vulnerable that you must look away in order to wipe away your tears, it's really hard to want to walk away from it all.

So to my Nerdy Book Club tribe, I'm going to be enlisting your help in the next few weeks. I need your continued inspiration and sense of hope. I want to know why you stay. Inspire me. Because right now, I'm going to be needing the teacher equivalent of a Kid President Pep Talk:



If you're interested in helping me out, please let me know and I can email you the details of my project. 

Things are still up in the air and unknown for me. But one thing will always remain constant: education and literacy will always be my vocation. In what capacity that vocation is manifested remains to be seen.

33 comments:

  1. Sad, but oh, so true. I too, am not sure what happens to those without a network of bucket fillers.

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  2. What an honest and eloquent post. 14 years in and I'm feeling many of the same feelings. It is easy to get discouraged in this climate, and it is the same state to state. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone and good luck!

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    1. Thanks Danielle. I'd love to include you in my project if you're game. DM me your email address if you're interested.

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  3. Wow. This is big news. I must admit that one of the big things that keeps me from burning out is the fact that I walk to work each day - 35 minutes of exercise and a huge boost to my mental health! I can't imagine having to commute - stuck in a car. I am in Canada and so we don't face the same stressors with test driven schools etc. although teachers in the media do not get a lot of positives. I wish you lots of luck with this decision and new journey. I hope that you do remain closely tied to books and students - you have so much to offer. I am not sure what your project is or if I can offer anything relevant being out of country. Let me know. All the best to you!

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    1. What I wouldn't give to be able to walk to work...

      DM me your email address and I'll send you the details. I would love your input.

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  4. I'm so glad that you have so many excellent bucket fillers! It's too hard to walk any road all by yourself.

    As you journey toward the unknown, be sure to keep in mind Yogi Berra's wise words: When you come to a fork in the road, take it.

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    1. Thanks Audrey. I have definitely come to the fork in the road. It's time to take it.

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  5. I feel like I could have written this post myself. Lately, I've written on the importance of a network educators that keep you inspired and seeking more, and I've written on the frustrations of being surrounded by naysayers. I also feel like I'm at a fork in the road. I love my kids. I love the work I do with literacy in the classroom. But I feel like there is something missing. I'd love to know more about your project.

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    1. Yeah, it's that something missing that nags at you, isn't it?

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  6. Beth -- Congratulations, really, on having the guts to do what you need to do right now. A lot of people stay stuck, and their attitudes shrivel, and the students pay dearly for it. So, for what it's worth, I'm proud to know somebody who gets it right without having all the answers ahead of time.

    You know this though: "But one thing will always remain constant: education and literacy will always be my vocation." That's huge. Your voice and example are important to so many people, including me. You will find a new niche and make new contributions.

    I'm close to retiring from my current job, so I'll be job-hunting in a year or so. I'll be paying close attention to how you go about finding, selecting, and shaping new ways to contribute as I prepare to embark on a somewhat similar course.

    If I can be helpful to you in any way, please let me know.

    Gary

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    1. Thanks Gary. I feel so blessed in my situation that I don't have to stay stuck. I thank God for that everyday - that I can make this decision without any worry for my family's livelihood.

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  7. Will you be working on a novel this summer!?! Seems like an obvious step.

    I'm so sorry to hear this Beth. Sorry and happy I guess. It's wonderful that you're taking a risk. I hope my kids have teachers like you. I can't imagine the number of lifetime readers and lovers of learning you've created.

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    1. I currently have a novel started, but I'm only 40 pages in. I'm hoping to definitely get the chance to work on it this summer.

      Thanks for your kind words.

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  8. What a beautiful, but heartbreaking, post. I know too many fabulous teachers who are making the same decision. Whether it's walking away from the profession, retiring earlier than planned, or taking a long break, we are losing too many inspirational teachers. But I am so impressed that you have the strength to take care of yourself and walk into the unknown.

    -sarah

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  9. My heart breaks from reading this post but I understand. I've been there frequently. I notice that everything feels so much worse when I'm not in contact with those bucket filling Nerdy tribe members. I thank God for finding them every day.
    I will gladly help you in any way I can, Beth.

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    1. I will email you some time this week Cindy. Thanks!

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  10. Aw Beth, I want to beg you, BEG you not to go--not to leave the profession that so needs you. And yet, being a teacher myself, I know exactly what you are talking about. Those in the driver's seat of reform are neither teachers nor students, and yet the decisions they make continue to constrict us. If they keep making our teaching box so small that the only thing that will fit in is mediocrity, then soon they will achieve that goal--a mediocre educational system. They will push out the excellence--no room for it.

    My thoughts are with you, dear girl.

    xoxo-

    shelley

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    1. Thank you Shelley. I haven't made my decision one way or the other about where this road is headed, but I am definitely doing some serious thinking.

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  11. Beth,
    This post is the very definition of bittersweet! Reading it felt very raw, indeed.
    I know exactly what you are referring to of this backward climate of mediocrity and frustration. I'm in my first year of teaching teaching at a school that is modeling itself from a business model and it makes me sick. I too, feel this creative and ethical dilemma. Education needs a revolution. Teachers need to reclaim our field and restart this thing from scratch.
    Some days I am ready to pack it all in and run away to pastry school, away from Common Core and standardized tests.
    Whatever the future holds for you, I know that this decision is indicative of the journey you need to take. I am comforted in the fact that you couldn't run away from reading and teaching even if you tried-and that makes me feel a little more safe for the future.

    I look forward to hearing where this quest takes you. But I'm on your side!

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    1. I completely agree with you that education needs a revolution. Every time I listen to the song "Uprising" by Muse, I feel like it applies to education.

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  12. Good luck, and I am sure you will find the right path, and make the difference in the world that we all need.
    Kevin

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  13. Finding you through nerdybookclub has been so wonderful. I wish you the best of luck on your next literacy adventure. Teaching can be a lonely profession without your tribe.

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  14. Most of the time I feel like someone is tipping my bucket over when I'm not watching. Hard to keep going at times. Education is a mess these days; I agree with you. People who are running things have never been in our shoes or they hated these shoes and became admin so they wouldn't have to wear them.

    Good luck.

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  15. Hmm...I tried to comment but I think it's gone. Anyway, long story short--I taught in NYC for three years, in public school I loved my kids, principal, and colleagues, but when my husband got a new job and we moved away, I decided to take a year off because I was so frustrated by the STUPID stuff--paperwork, meaningless data (not my data, but data I was made to collect and sort), stuff that took my time and energy AWAY from my students. I didn't make it through the year away from kids--I'm now working part-time at a charter school where the students truly come first, teachers are respected, and all the extras teachers do actually help the kids. I'd love to help with your project if I can--let me know more at readingontheftrain@gmail.com! Best of luck!

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  16. I'm sure this was a hard decision for you, Beth, but also one that you didn't take lightly. You have to do what feels right for you. I'm a commuter, too, but my drive is one hour each way and I've gotten used to it. Do I wish I lived 5 minutes from school? Totally, but it's been okay for me so far. I agree that there are so many people who truly don't understand teachers' jobs - and especially the hard work and dedication that a great teacher puts into his or her job.

    I like how you said that Nerdy Book Club is your tribe - I think that's the key. Finding those people who do fill your bucket or at least restore you belief that teaching is worthwhile and that you are doing a great job and that it's what is best for students. Recognizing what does help you re-energize is so important, it might be more than Nerdy Book Club, but whatever it is, find it and remember that. When things do get overwhelming or you feel like you are losing your autonomy, it's so important to know who or what you can turn to to help you re-energize.

    Stay strong! Follow your heart. It'll all work out!

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  17. Beth, I'm cheering you on! Your school is going to miss you, but you need to do what's right-- and that commute has got to be incredibly wearing. They were fortunate you were able to do it as long as you did.

    I'm excited to hear about what comes next for you.

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  18. Well said. As someone who left St. Paul for an uncertain future, I know exactly how you feel. You will be missed, but I see this as the bow being pulled backward. The next step will propel you forward like an arrow into something great. I'd be happy to help you with your project in any way I can. Blessings!

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  19. Beth, the classroom will be here if you wish to come back to it. There are opportunities out there that will work for you; I know it.

    In the meantime, I've been thinking about why I stay, and this is what I've come up with: http://mrskervina.blogspot.com/2013/03/community.html

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  20. I have left the profession twice only to return. Doing other things like parenting and horticulture has actually made me a better teacher. I would be interested

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  21. 16 years in and I feel the exact same way. If I had other alternatives for insurance, I'd resign, too. However, I'm stuck. My students help me smile, but it's not worth it since I can't even make $40,000 a year.

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  22. The post is great. The video is fantastic. That kid has a real future. There are so many out there.

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  23. Nice, but I think we've got to learn to be a little stronger. We just can't give up like this. What happened to Goleman 's EQ and all that stuff? Let's not forget that notwithstanding these crazy policies, we still have our little space with our kids in the classroom, and no matter how much we have to teach to the test, we can still reach out to our kids and make an impact on them. And minutia will be there in some form or the other no matter what we profession we choose to pursue. That's the challenge: how do we create sanity in an insane situation. That's where our creativity and innovativeness come in. Running away is the easiest thing to do.

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